How Can I Even Do This Day?

Real Talk: The first thought in my head this morning was… I don’t know if I can even do this day.

I’m missing my sweet friend, Amy.  1 year ago today she went to be with Jesus, & tomorrow is the anniversary of my Mother-in-law’s death as well (8yrs).

I’ve put aside these emotions all week and hardly spoke a word about it, knowing Thursday would roll around and I’d process it then.  I was making myself too busy to think about it.  I do that sometimes to avoid feeling things.

Well, this is Thursday.

This morning I laid in bed feeling helpless.  I didn’t even want my feet to hit the floor, because it meant another day I’m here, and these people aren’t.

I’ve been exposed to dying, death, and funerals my whole life.  My parents never shielded me from the topic, and I was a frequent tag-a-long at funerals throughout my childhood.  I’m grateful for this, because I’ve learned how to be a blessing to people who are hurting after a loss.

Funerals come and go and I am usually just fine (don’t read into this too deep, I’m just saying I can process well and accept God’s will).  But losing Amy was tough.  Like impossible to handle.

I think because she was so young, and had so much to look forward to with her upcoming wedding and the thought of starting a family with the love of her life.

So today I had myself a good ugly cry over this.  I’m okay, but I’m not okay.. you know?

I’m trying to figure out how to  process this all. I’d prefer to just not…

I think the thing I’m most hung up on is how my life goes on.  It just does.  I’m a wife and a mom, and I can’t stop to take a breather no matter how badly I want to.  My kids need cared for, the house needs cleaned, & I have work to do and people counting on me to get projects finished.  The e-mails keep pouring in and my to-do list is growing.

I am starting to realize that my personal fear in death is really just about being forgotten.

Today I realized I can ditch that fear now.  Amy wasn’t a best friend of mine that I visited often, but a very good friend, because of the way she loved.  No matter the amount of time between when we talked we always picked right back up where we left off.  She was brave, and she was true to herself.  She loved Jesus, and she loved people.

She has not been forgotten.

My 3 year old who never met her grandma still talks about Grandma Dorothy and reminds us of stories she’s heard of her.  My husband cooks using his mom’s recipes she left behind.  My son who was only 6 months old when she passed does the best Grandma Dorothy impersonations (all in good fun) because we haven’t stopped talking about her.  My oldest first acquired her love of cooking as a toddler in her grandma’s kitchen

Grandma Dorothy has not been forgotten.

If you live life full force and love deeply, like these women did, you couldn’t possibly be forgotten. 

Go out and love all the people.

Make your mark; I’m going to.