Those Lights

Sometimes when I leave the house, I feel really inadequate.
I almost never feel like I measure up to the people around me.
I forget my accomplishments, I forget what it is I do that makes ME who I am.

From my home I encourage and teach my children, I cheer on my husband. Through my cell phone I am a lifeline of praise, honesty, and  encouragement for my friends.

I e-mail with women from all over and use social media to encourage them in their roles and to help them realize not only their potential, but how amazing they are- right where they are.

Then I forget that I’m no different.

Something like ‘give a simple introduction about yourself’ can suddenly have my mind racing with who the heck am I, and why am I even worthy of being here???

You see, I have a terrible time explaining who I am without giving my whole story.  I don’t have a few key highlights because I feel like everything has shaped who I am.  Some of it’s really painful, and you just don’t squeeze that stuff into an introduction.

I am a wife and mother, but the trouble comes in thinking my calling is much bigger than that… And not knowing exactly what that is, yet.

Sometimes when it’s dark out and I’m heading home from someplace that has left me feeling inadequate (because of my own mindset, nothing anyone has intentionally done), I take the long way home so I can drive by my favorite spot that overlooks much of the town.

I slow way down and take in the sights.  Last night I stopped my van, got out, stood on the road and took a deep breath. I let the cold Iowa air fill my lungs, I let the physical beauty of the bright lights fill my body and calm my saddened heart.  I exhaled a little of my worry and left it there.

I pray that I never lose this place.  It’s my instant calm.  It’s where I get centered.

When I look out at the city’s lights shining in the darkness, I pray that even through my enormous faults, that God would shape me to be used for His glory.  I pray that my love and kindness would shine for Him, just as bright as those lights.

I want to believe that I am enough, & that I have potential.

I don’t pride myself on busyness, at the same time I don’t want to think I’m nothing because my calendar has free space and my list of commitments is minimal right now in this season of life.

Why do I feel like my choice to only do what I feel God leading me to, and to intentionally leave free space on my calendar makes me boring and unworthy of any sort of an impressive title?

I’ve worked to make myself less, I’ve let others make me feel less, because I thought it was good to be humble.  Now I’m learning about the fine line between humble, and lacking all confidence.