The Lord has given my body the opportunity to carry another little one! After 2 years of intentionally and carefully healing my body from toxic burden/mold illness, and the grief we have been walking through with the loss of my nephew, this hardly seems real. There were days I felt like the “sun” may never shine upon our family again. Yet, the Son of God does. This doesn’t erase the hurt, but it does remind me that there are brighter days ahead and joy is still possible on this Earth.
While I am always able to see that God is still Good, maybe almost in an annoying way to some, there were days that I asked God, “what are we even doing here now?”
How do we move forward in a way that honors the Lord, and the life of my nephew? I’m not sure I have the answer to that, other than to take nothing for granted, love deeply, and keep pursuing Him.
I am so grateful for this gift of life growing within my womb.
Lord-willing we will be meeting this little one sometime in April of 2023.
That all said, I do know that this news may bring mixed emotions, maybe even sadness to some of you readers, due to your own losses or maybe because you are desperately longing to grow your family and God has you in a season of waiting. Please know I am not oblivious to your hurt.
Obviously, I understand tough seasons. I have so much compassion for where you are.
I remember walking the path of infertility while watching other families grow, some even dispising the position they were in, complaining that they were pregnant again, like it was something that just happened so easily and it was more of a burden than a blessing.
I had a Nurse Practitioner once tell me “Maybe this is just Mother Nature’s way of saying you shouldn’t have more children” as she looked at my children in the room with her nose turned up. Whether she meant that with ill intention or not, THAT comment stung for a lot of years.
For the past several months I’ve been meditating on Acts 1:7, which says:
Jesus said to them, “The Father is the only one who has the authority to decide dates and times. They are not for you to know.
May these words remind you, as much as they remind me, that the God we serve has a plan, and He is the authority when it comes to timing. He sees the things that we cannot. He knows what the years ahead will hold. He sees you and me both in the waiting, in the hurting, and in the healing.
Yes, for if we stay the course, there WILL be healing.
While my heart is filled with gratitude for this precious little babe, it is still grieving so dang hard for the way I feel about my incredible nephew not being here with us. I know he is in Heaven, I have zero doubts about that. When I think of him, I smile, because I LOVE that he is with Jesus. That’s my end game too; being with our Savior.
When I think of the rest of us here and what we feel in his absence, my heart hurts, and my eyes fill with tears. Please, take no pity on me over this, I just want you to know in your moments of gratefulness that may sometimes be intertwined with grief, you.are.not.alone.
I never understood the highs and lows of life at the depth that I do now. I am choosing to say: Thank you, God, for your comfort in trials, and for your refining process as I continue to learn and grow in your grace.