I found my old diary today. The dairy is from 1999, when I was in middle school. My parents had separated for a year, my oldest brother joined the army, my second oldest brother was in his senior year of high school. He was in love and was getting married soon. He was my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine him moving out and not being a part of my everday life.
I felt so alone in this season.
I was totally hormonal, boy crazy, and just wanted to feel loved.
I wrote about several boys on the pages of this diary. It’s no wonder I didn’t have serious meaningful relationships with any of them. I was just too obsessed with being perfectly loved.
Loved in the way that I thought love should be, which is far different than how love is in reality. My views of love where shaped by television and admiring the neighbor couple’s communication. I realize that in that season I was too young for romantic love.
Finding this diary was kind of fun, but also opened up a lot more emotions than I wanted it to. I wrote about bulimia, anorexia, fasting (before this was a health trend), and all the other ways that I tried to gain control of myself. None of which were healthy and only caused problems that I dealt with well into adulthood.
The feelings I had then have resurfaced over the years on occasion.
A teenage girl’s desire to be loved and swept off her feet turned into a wife that was not easily satisfied and had issues feeling secure in a relationship.
I spent the first few years of marriage as an average wife, but I want to be a GREAT wife. Well, at least a slightly better wife than I have been in the past.
I’m ready to tackle my search for a blissful marriage. I know that doesn’t have anything to do with my husband’s actions towards me, and everything to do with my own relationship with Jesus.
I will lean on Jesus to fill my tank. I will find the answers to my questions in the Bible. I will be praying more than ever before and asking for His guidance, reading His word and above all, TRUSTING in Him.
Thought of the day: I know that I tell my husband I love him, but do I show him?
My goal: Show my husband I love him by having his meals hot and ready for him to enjoy. Do not expect him to help clear the table, insist that he doesn’t, wash up the dishes without so much as a sigh. No matter how tired I am. Just get through it, for 1 week.